No Offense, But...
I have been doing a lot of thinking the last few months about forgiveness and what that means. As a Christian we all know that forgiving, and being forgiven, lies at the core root of our faith. We also know that it can sometimes be a little difficult to do. I am starting to think, however, that like many other good habits, it just takes some practice.
One thing that made it so easy for Jesus to forgive others is that he never got offended to begin with. This was a revelation to me, and over the last year I've been watching and trying to learn how to successfully do this.
In my experience, there are three ways to not be offended by others:
1. Realize that it's rarely about you. I believe that most people are pretty self absorbed, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, just a fact. Moms are concerned about their families, people are concerned about their jobs, or their health, or their relationships, and are often just trying to do what is best for them. Everyone has their own problems and their own dramas, and I just never assume that I know what goes on behind closed doors in anyone's life.
2. Rethink your expectations of others. I think we all suffer from thinking that everyone should behave the way we would. "Do unto others as you would have done unto you", right? Well, what is okay treatment for you may not work for someone else. We all have our unique backgrounds, experiences, culture and baggage, and it's tough to assume that everyone is working on the same standard of appropriate behavior.
3. Understand that not everyone is nice, but they're still loved by God. As I read different story books to my daughter, she often asks questions about behavior. "Why dat man/troll/cat mean?" she says. I usually tell her that it's because they're scared, or lonely, or tired, but sometimes people just aren't nice and we don't know why. Something happened deep in their past that only months of therapy would be able to figure out, or maybe it's something physical. We can try to understand, but we just can't even begin to scratch the surface on some people's issues. The only thing we can do if we're on the receiving end of meanness is to remember that they are still children of God, and we must treat them as He would. Help where you can, pray for them, and don't be offended.
As a side note, I have to say this is much more difficult where children are concerned. Just to see someone, adult or child, be mean to my child (or any child) in any way makes my blood boil, and I'm sure there will be more experiences as they grow. To be honest, I don't know yet how I'm going to deal with this. What makes it possible for adults to handle meanness is self confidence and a sense of worth and knowing they are loved. I'm hoping that instilling these things in my children will insulate them a bit from people who would hurt them. But I digress...
Two other things on being offended worth mentioning. (Forgive the lists, but it's the only way I could organize my thoughts...)
1. They could be reacting to you. Not being offended by others isn't meant to let you off the hook. Try to understand if you have hurt them in some way, or if there has been some misunderstanding on both ends. Good communication is a skill, and not everyone has it, but you still have to try.
2. You shouldn't tolerate abusive behavior. While #3 above still applies, there is an addendum. When the level of mean escalates into anything resembling verbal/physical/mental abuse, realize that you can simultaneously forgive and do what is best for you/your family. Forgiveness in this case means that you can wish them well, pray for them, even still love them, but remove them from your life and move on.
It took me some time to absorb and really practice all of this. Most of the time, it's amazing to me how well it works. Forgiveness is easy if you're never offended, and it can seriously change your life. But sometimes it's hard not to get angry when we feel we've been wronged. What I've learned is that it's okay to be mad. Do you think Jesus never got mad? Sure he did. There were people treating him, and other people, badly all the time.
What's worth noting here is what he didn't do when this happened: he didn't blow the situation out of proportion, he didn't take his anger out on anyone else, and he didn't hold a quiet grudge. Personally, I've found this to be the absolute most difficult thing to learn. In my case, it's usually my poor husband who bears the brunt of my anger over something, and even if I recognize it and warn or apologize for it, it's something I'm constantly working on.
What he did do is communicate and pray, and always forgive. It's a tall order, but it's worth striving for.
One thing that made it so easy for Jesus to forgive others is that he never got offended to begin with. This was a revelation to me, and over the last year I've been watching and trying to learn how to successfully do this.
In my experience, there are three ways to not be offended by others:
1. Realize that it's rarely about you. I believe that most people are pretty self absorbed, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, just a fact. Moms are concerned about their families, people are concerned about their jobs, or their health, or their relationships, and are often just trying to do what is best for them. Everyone has their own problems and their own dramas, and I just never assume that I know what goes on behind closed doors in anyone's life.
2. Rethink your expectations of others. I think we all suffer from thinking that everyone should behave the way we would. "Do unto others as you would have done unto you", right? Well, what is okay treatment for you may not work for someone else. We all have our unique backgrounds, experiences, culture and baggage, and it's tough to assume that everyone is working on the same standard of appropriate behavior.
3. Understand that not everyone is nice, but they're still loved by God. As I read different story books to my daughter, she often asks questions about behavior. "Why dat man/troll/cat mean?" she says. I usually tell her that it's because they're scared, or lonely, or tired, but sometimes people just aren't nice and we don't know why. Something happened deep in their past that only months of therapy would be able to figure out, or maybe it's something physical. We can try to understand, but we just can't even begin to scratch the surface on some people's issues. The only thing we can do if we're on the receiving end of meanness is to remember that they are still children of God, and we must treat them as He would. Help where you can, pray for them, and don't be offended.
As a side note, I have to say this is much more difficult where children are concerned. Just to see someone, adult or child, be mean to my child (or any child) in any way makes my blood boil, and I'm sure there will be more experiences as they grow. To be honest, I don't know yet how I'm going to deal with this. What makes it possible for adults to handle meanness is self confidence and a sense of worth and knowing they are loved. I'm hoping that instilling these things in my children will insulate them a bit from people who would hurt them. But I digress...
Two other things on being offended worth mentioning. (Forgive the lists, but it's the only way I could organize my thoughts...)
1. They could be reacting to you. Not being offended by others isn't meant to let you off the hook. Try to understand if you have hurt them in some way, or if there has been some misunderstanding on both ends. Good communication is a skill, and not everyone has it, but you still have to try.
2. You shouldn't tolerate abusive behavior. While #3 above still applies, there is an addendum. When the level of mean escalates into anything resembling verbal/physical/mental abuse, realize that you can simultaneously forgive and do what is best for you/your family. Forgiveness in this case means that you can wish them well, pray for them, even still love them, but remove them from your life and move on.
It took me some time to absorb and really practice all of this. Most of the time, it's amazing to me how well it works. Forgiveness is easy if you're never offended, and it can seriously change your life. But sometimes it's hard not to get angry when we feel we've been wronged. What I've learned is that it's okay to be mad. Do you think Jesus never got mad? Sure he did. There were people treating him, and other people, badly all the time.
What's worth noting here is what he didn't do when this happened: he didn't blow the situation out of proportion, he didn't take his anger out on anyone else, and he didn't hold a quiet grudge. Personally, I've found this to be the absolute most difficult thing to learn. In my case, it's usually my poor husband who bears the brunt of my anger over something, and even if I recognize it and warn or apologize for it, it's something I'm constantly working on.
What he did do is communicate and pray, and always forgive. It's a tall order, but it's worth striving for.
