Occupation: Mom
http://www.wow4u.com/notjustamom/index.html.
This made me think of my own recent experience. I was on the phone applying for an auto loan for our new car, and was asked the “Occupation?” question.
I paused for a minute, and answered, “Um, I’m a stay-at-home mom right now.” As if the “right now” made it clear that I did participate in the workforce at some time.
And then I realized I had a rookie on the other end when she asked the follow up question. “Okay, homemaker. How long have you been in this position?”
I wasn’t sure if I should be pleased that she took it as a serious occupation, but then I realized what a dumb question it was.
“I’m not sure what you’re asking,” I said. “How long have I been a mom? How long have I been out of the workforce? Isn’t it kind of irrelevant since I’m not making any money?” I was thinking that I’ve “been in the position of homemaker” since my husband and I started living together, and that was twelve years ago. I somehow knew that information wouldn’t be helpful here though.
She moved on to the next few questions and then we got disconnected. When I called back the next guy had to start from scratch, but thankfully, he didn’t seemed as perplexed at the “homemaker” occupation.
What I found more interesting than their response to the occupation question, however, was my own response. Why do I still have a hard time admitting that I’m a stay-at-home mom? I’ve had four years to get used to the idea, but still find myself justifying it in conversations.
I worked in corporate marketing for almost 15 years. When I had kids I became a very part-time real estate agent, so that was my answer at cocktail parties. But when I put my license inactive a few months ago, I knew I was giving up my job title as well.
It’s not that I don’t love what I do, and it’s not that I don’t work my tail off. Any stay-at-home mom will tell you that it’s the toughest (though clearly the most rewarding) job they’ve ever had. With all due respect to working moms, I think they’ve got it easier in some ways. (really, I don’t mean to start a debate about this, just trying to make a point) We know we’re lucky. Not everyone has a choice to stay home with their kids, and we’re truly blessed and wouldn’t have it any other way. But unless you have a mother’s helper around five days a week, it’s still really hard work.
When my husband comes home and complains about a tough day, I listen sympathetically. I’ve been there, I know the office grind, and I know the pressure he feels being the sole provider right now. But when he looks at me, sometimes unshowered, baby food on my shirt, bags under my eyes, and asks “tough day too?”, all I can say is “well, at least you got to pee by yourself.”
Among friends my age, the job status is no big deal. They get it, and most of them are home with their kids now too. The conflict can arise with complete strangers, or people younger than me that I meet at social events. Why, in this day and age, do people still look at you like your nuts when you tell them you’re staying home to raise your kids? I don’t know where it comes from, but I always get the feeling they think I’m either uneducated, unmotivated, or some kind of rich person. (for the record, I’m none of those things)
Most of us grew up with our moms at home, and it wasn’t until the 80’s that it fell out of fashion for a while. I think it only took a decade for society to figure out that it was okay not to be a “supermom” and do it all. Thankfully, the trend is back to take a few years off while your kids are small.
The more important question is, why do I care what these people think? Call it ego, call it self-consciousness, call it whatever you want. I know I have to just get over it.
It’s a choice that my husband and I made, and I have never doubted it for a second. I’m proud of the work I do, and I know that if I belittle it in any way when I’m speaking to others, that I’m doing myself (and all moms) a disservice. We need to wear the spit up as a badge of honor (okay, maybe that’s taking it too far…), but my point is that we should never be embarassed to admit that this is the choice we made. If we take pride in our kids (and we all do), then we should be able to stand a little straighter the next time we’re asked what we do “for a living”, and smile.
On applications, when a question asks “Employer”, I always answer “my kids.” And that always makes me smile.